My Happy Place~The Black Hole

When I feel overwhelmed, I like to do what most people call go to my “happy place”. I don’t really have a “happy place”, so when I need to escape from my thoughts, I imagine a Black Hole. Yes the one out in space. I imagine myself floating endlessly while everything around me disappears. Nothingness, Complete Total Peace.

Today my mind is filled with so much. Real problems? No I guess I have none. But the things that bother me, have a way of completely consuming me.

You know how some people think if they could just win the lottery than all their problems would be solved? I kind of get it. I believe if he would just allow himself to love me the way I know he does, all my emotional issues would go away. Because every single emotional outburst that I have is because I Want Him To Want Me the Way I Want Him. I’m getting better at holding them in, hiding my feelings, but in reality it only makes things worse. Which means I take frequent trips to the restroom to relieve my tears.

He knows I cry. Every night I cry. And often throughout the day. All for him. I respect the fact that he doesn’t verbally acknowledge my tears. Because he knows he’s the reason and there’s only one way to stop them. And he’s not ready/willing.

This is why I MUST separate myself from him. I am breaking inside because of my choice to move out. I believe when I do, He will see that he truly wants me or I will somehow find it within me to move on. The latter is difficult for me to to think about.

I’m going to look at an apartment today. Pretty certain I will get it. At least I’m preparing to. So, unless it is horrific, I’ll be moving tomorrow. Which is convenient as he will be out of town tonight and won’t be back till tomorrow night.

I have vowed to not visit him nor allow him to visit me the way he once did when he moved out because of his son. Him not knowing where I am moving is key. So far, he doesn’t know.

It’s not that I don’t have Faith, Hope nor have I stopped believing in what I 1st believed, but I just don’t think I can set myself up for disappointment, Again. After all this situation consist of 2 people making the same decision.

I am completely overwhelmed with emotion. I believe, I have faith, but I’m not sure how to not worry or stress. And this is why I am trying to be blank today. Disappearing into my personal Black Hole.

I still believe….

 

The 1st time he said, just friends, I thought okay, I can handled that because, I knew he too felt a certain fire between us. But he needed time. I understood, he had been to hell and back with his ex, I have experienced the same, so I was sensitive to his bi-polar emotional instability. I honestly thought I could deal with being the one who held him at night, listened to his problems and picked up the pieces, every time he lost his shit. I complimented him & meant it whole heartily (still do) I wanted him to see the good I saw in him (again, still do). I wanted to be strong for him. I wanted to be there for him. He told me that we couldn’t date (for obvious reasons) but he needed me. (Side note: We’ve now been living together for over two years, sleeping together, pretending this relationship is not a relationship.) So I took that, and I settled for just friends. The truth is, I was scared to be his friend, because I wanted more. However, I thought I would rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all…but, that’s a lie. 

I have always wondered why I wasn’t enough, always will. I love him probably more than anyone I ever have. (Don’t confuse Love with in-love, in-love is an out of control, blind, action/feeling closely related to a crush!) I think I may even love him more than myself, at times. And I think he likes it. He likes knowing that he means that much to someone. It has been selfish of him to think I could handle this. I have been too naive to realize the self-destruction I have caused in trying to hide the feelings that consumed me.

When you love someone you want them happy, even if it means breaking your own heart in the process. He has hurt me, played me, and fucked with my head. That is not being a friend. And I see that now. He has used me to fill both emotional and physical voids in his life, that isn’t something friends do. He has broken me, just to build himself back up. Why? Because maybe, then, the broken pieces someone else left him with, would make him whole.

So, you see, while the concept of just friends was doing him a favor, in return it was breaking every part of me. Every time he touched me, I felt it take over my entire body. Even if I was upset with him. I’ve thought of him as my best friend, as my favorite love. Because no one knew me the way he did. For over 2 years, he’s seen the best and worst of me. And yet still, he wanted to hang out with me. Now he tells me that time spent with me is “wasted” that he doesn’t want to wake up years from now and still be “wasting his time” with me. Yet, he keeps asking me along on his adventures, to spend the day with him, snuggle with him in the evenings on the sofa, snuggle in bed at night and sex.

I have NEVER chased him, only made myself available to him. My Mistake!

I do not want to move. I want to be here. With him. But I need him to love me the way I love him. I’m confident in what I know & feel. I’m confident I know how he truly feels.

I still believe what I first believed! But, I need strength, I’m tired and weary. I know God brought me here and this is why I struggle with the way things are now. 

“If I hold my Peace, Let the Lord fight my battles, Victory oh Victory shall be mine.”

He’s My Friend

So I was raised in the Bible Belt. Strong beliefs in God, Faith & all things impossible. Needless to say, God & I have a very unique relationship. Or rather, I have a clear understanding as to who God is and I know He’s my friend. We talk a lot. I often get mad at Him. And He knows this. I have been so angry at Him that I have told Him I would never speak to Him again, and wouldn’t you know it, 5 minutes later I’m talking to Him again. I value the fact that He knows my heart. My every thought. That is why I enjoy talking with Him. He’s always there. Often when I know I have failed Him, I expect Him to smack me across the face and straighten me out. But He doesn’t. He just squeezes me a little tighter, tells me He loves me and helps me figure it all out.

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The 1st One doesn’t count, Right?

Married three times, divorced three times….I know it seems I contradicted myself when I said I didn’t know when to say “enough” and move on, but it wasn’t until my third marriage that I figured it out and decided I was tired of forgiving.

During my first marriage I realized I had no fear of death. Not that I wanted to die, but I accepted the fact that I was going to die at the hands of my husband and even welcomed death at times. Never once did I fear for my infant son’s life.  It was me he despised, and I have never understood why. When I realized I had no fear of death I packed our clothes and moved back home with my parents and waited. Waited for my husband to come kill me there. I did not want to be a missing person and I also knew my parents could never find peace if they did not have my body to bury. So I waited there with them. But he never came. Soon I filed and was granted my first divorce.

Time passed and somehow I found life again. Never was I made whole from the mental and physical abuse I had endured. I just learned to live, breath without the fear of punishment for unknown reasons. I accepted the fact that I was “damaged goods”. A single mom, a woman with baggage. So the first man who came along who wanted to marry me, I jumped at the chance. I found a way to love him, appreciate him for taking me and my young son in. But never did I love him the way a woman should love her husband. I tried. We had 2 beautiful boys together and he even adopted my son from the previous marriage. I knew he deserved true love, I just could not give it. I failed.

I know now that my inability to love him is what drove him mad. It caused him to hurt me in unspeakable ways. And again I allowed the unforgiving circle of forgiveness to begin. Never knowing when to say enough was enough. This divorce was prompted by fear. Not for my life but because during one of his desperate moments to keep me, he threatened the life of my sons. I needed to protect them so I left.

Leaving brought me happiness and grief. And peace.

 

My Short Auto-Bio 

 

How do I begin? I don’t even know. My thoughts are so random I’m not even sure if I can keep up with them. I’m lost yet I know where I wanna go. I keep moving forward because I am a natural born survivor. I’ve been low many times in my life but I have never considered suicide an option. Quite frankly, I’ve often admired those who have enough courage to end their own lives. I have never been so strong to think that I could do it on my own.

See what you just witnessed? My brain running at random. I guess that is why I’m blogging, to try and make some sense of myself. To figure out why I have made some of the choices I have made in life.  Maybe get some input from others.

As you read my thoughts, rants and rattling, please keep an open mind, don’t judge anyone I mention whether what I say is good or bad. Regardless of the persons who paths have crossed mine, I take full responsibility for all the choices I’ve made in life. Sometimes I have made good choices at the wrong time, good choices at the right time, bad choices at the wrong time…well you get what I’m saying. If I’ve already lost you then I suggest you not follow me too closely as this will be too much for you to comprehend.

I’d like to think my life started when I became independent, my early twenties, the eve of my first marriage. But as I look back, my inability to make good life choices began in my early childhood. It was during my childhood that I was taught about loving and forgiveness. Which I completely misinterpreted and pretty much ruined my entire life. Seventy times seven, (Matt 18: 21-22  Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.) the amount of times I was taught to forgive. This was the root of all evilness that I allowed to consume my life.

Sounds a bit crazy huh? Well, yeah, but, that’s the proverb I’ve lived by. When I was hurt, I forgave. Many times! I never knew when to say enough was enough and that I didn’t want to be hurt anymore. Oh, I know what you’re thinking……I came from a home where my father abused my mother. Or vise versa. But no, they’ve been married 47 years. I don’t think you could find two people who love one another more than my parents love each other. Well, ok, everyone knows my mom could be a bit bossy, but she loves my father endlessly. It was no fault of theirs that I completely misinterpreted the meaning of forgiveness. My older brother, by thirteen months, has had a successful marriage for over twenty seven years. My younger sister by three years has been happily married for twenty two years. So what the hell happened to me?

 

 

 

45? Ugh! Ok….

For the past few years, the best I’ve been able to describe my life is, ” I am both happy and sad and still trying to figure out how that can be”. It’s never been more true than it is today.

I recently made a dramatic move in my life. At the time, it didn’t seem so dramatic. But here I am, feeling completely overwhelmed with the decision I made. I truly felt 100% confident, but now all I feel is doubt. I guess it’s because the decision I made, the happiness I thought I was discovering, relied 50% on another’s actions as well. So tell me, I truly believe we are responsible for our own  happiness, but there are certain aspects of our life that can be made sad or happy by another. I hate those! I know I know, hate is such a strong word. But truth is, our Happiness can be made or broken by another. Now I don’t mean total complete happiness. But a part of it. As much as I think I could live in a quiet little place alone away from the rest of society, I need people. I need love, acceptance and all those lovely things. And not just from my family, friends (I have chosen very few), but from that Special Person.

I Want Love! Real Love! Nothing that I have experienced with my past marriages.