When I feel overwhelmed, I like to do what most people call go to my “happy place”. I don’t really have a “happy place”, so when I need to escape from my thoughts, I imagine a Black Hole. Yes the one out in space. I imagine myself floating endlessly while everything around me disappears. Nothingness, Complete Total Peace.
Today my mind is filled with so much. Real problems? No I guess I have none. But the things that bother me, have a way of completely consuming me.
You know how some people think if they could just win the lottery than all their problems would be solved? I kind of get it. I believe if he would just allow himself to love me the way I know he does, all my emotional issues would go away. Because every single emotional outburst that I have is because I Want Him To Want Me the Way I Want Him. I’m getting better at holding them in, hiding my feelings, but in reality it only makes things worse. Which means I take frequent trips to the restroom to relieve my tears.
He knows I cry. Every night I cry. And often throughout the day. All for him. I respect the fact that he doesn’t verbally acknowledge my tears. Because he knows he’s the reason and there’s only one way to stop them. And he’s not ready/willing.
This is why I MUST separate myself from him. I am breaking inside because of my choice to move out. I believe when I do, He will see that he truly wants me or I will somehow find it within me to move on. The latter is difficult for me to to think about.
I’m going to look at an apartment today. Pretty certain I will get it. At least I’m preparing to. So, unless it is horrific, I’ll be moving tomorrow. Which is convenient as he will be out of town tonight and won’t be back till tomorrow night.
I have vowed to not visit him nor allow him to visit me the way he once did when he moved out because of his son. Him not knowing where I am moving is key. So far, he doesn’t know.
It’s not that I don’t have Faith, Hope nor have I stopped believing in what I 1st believed, but I just don’t think I can set myself up for disappointment, Again. After all this situation consist of 2 people making the same decision.
I am completely overwhelmed with emotion. I believe, I have faith, but I’m not sure how to not worry or stress. And this is why I am trying to be blank today. Disappearing into my personal Black Hole.