Open Letter to My Love

My Love,

I am writing this with my heart on my sleeve. You have said to me so many times that you weren’t looking to date anyone. You enjoyed being with me. Even though neither of us have even considered a future. But still, it was like we were together.

You see, I had begun to love you, I thought you were someone who I could be happy with. You were my safe place. You knew all my ugliness and still you wanted to be with me. At least I thought you did. I thought you were there for me, but I didn’t see deeper into your eyes. I didn’t see that you didn’t feel the same way. Because your actions reached for me.

I understand now that I am too much for you. I have been pushy. I just wanted you to love me. I wanted you to care. I wanted to be the woman you would look at in a room full of people. I wanted to be the last thing you thought of before you went to bed—the first one you thought of when you opened your eyes. I wanted you to love me the way I love you. I have been deeply, madly and without limitations, in love with you for quite some time. But you didn’t see that. Or you just pretended that you didn’t see.

I have spent many nights crying, thinking of the things that made me sad. And on the other side of our bed, you were sleeping soundly. Every day has been a battle for your love.

The other day I became angry at what I had allowed you to transform me into. I want more. I deserve more. And you cannot provide me that.

I see now that being with me was just convenient for you. It was just a way for you to shake the stress away. In the end, you needed someone who would cook, clean, and keep you company. And that’s what I was for you. Not your soulmate, not your lover, not even your friend. I was just someone who would be there right up until the perfect woman popped up on one of your social feeds or online dating sites. I tend to live in ignorance. I thought you would stick with me. When I had problems or just wanted to talk, you were preoccupied texting other women.

I keep asking myself, “Do I have the right to be sad now that we are no longer together?” Oh wait, being together is not a good word. When I thought that we were together would suit better here. We, well actually you, were never exclusive. I was. I have been loyal to you since the day you asked me to only be with you. I know you like to think we were nothing. But we were. We were something. Feelings were there. Real ones. Maybe you liked me a little, maybe a lot. But I am sure that I love you.

Do I have the right to cry about us even though you were never my boyfriend? The truth is, it doesn’t matter. I will cry anyway. I can’t stop the tears from falling. You were mine. Someone and something of mine that cannot be easily replaced. I just don’t know what I am supposed to do with this love that you have left me with.

I will let it out of me through tears. I will have to let it hurt. Then let it heal. I am going through hell. We shared so many common things, not just physical stuff, even though I miss that, too. God, I miss that! Even though you say it was not, it felt like a real textbook relationship in every aspect.

You had me—my body, heart and soul. Like no one before. My heart is broken and it doesn’t care whether we were labeled as a couple or not. It doesn’t care. It just grieves. And I have the right to grieve, too.

Much Love

–Me

 

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45 — Chapter 2

She felt sick thinking of the incident from days ago. What happened? How had his wound come to be? Why had she felt relief as she watched the very life flow from the hollow of his neck? How is it her tears and fingers were able to mend his broken skin. And the simple flick of her wrist, cleared the room in an instant? So many questions.

He had slept for days now. The silence allowed her to examine her life. Why was his love so important to her? Everything about them was wrong. He drove her crazy and she hated him. She drove him crazy and he hated her. But she wanted him and he wanted her. Life apart was not an option. The crazy had to stop. She knew this as did he. The hate came from a place of pain. Pain from the past and fear to move forward.

She watched him sleep, counted each breath. Sometimes she lay next to him, and searched for the faint beat of his heart. He was growing stronger and soon he would awaken. She was ready.

IF there was anything she had figured out it was that she only knew her past and didn’t know how to gauge the future.

………..now to move forward.

 

45 — Chapter 1

She closed her eyes, absorbing the warmth of the blood as it began to flow down her chest. She pulled him closer. Every single trickle burned her as it separated itself from the dominate flow and made its own path down her cold body. Her body stole the heat and replaced it with coldness, slowing its movement. She swayed as the frozen droplets of blood created a musical rhythm as they fell to the crystal floor beneath them. A moan from deep within escaped as all the pain left her weary body. After a moment she opened her eyes. She needed to see, was he sorry, was he in pain or was he laughing? It was hard to tell, the glass wall behind his eyes that once shielded his soul had suddenly turned to ashes.

“What have I done?” she thought. Immediately her soul cried out. A new pain. Her eyes filled with tears as she stared at her beloved’s severed neck. The strange hands that held his head were connected to Her arms. How could this be? “Is it too late? Have I gone too far?” Her cold mouth searched for his lifeless lips.

With tears and a soft caress she mended his broken skin. Then kissed him once more. His eyes met hers. What did he see? Did he see her soul as she had seen his? He whispered, she leaned in, his breath but a feather yet his words sharp as steel. Then he slept.

With a quick flip of her wrist, all the bloody evidence of the evening vanished. When he awoke, only his true feelings could be expressed. Was she prepared? Will it be what she longs for?

…………………….and she waits……………

 

 

Behind Glass Walls

The warmth of his touch should bring me comfort. But it angers me. I LONG to feel his love when he touches me. When he touches me I know he is trying to secrectly absorb something good. If only he would say it.

I feel we are wasting time not loving one another. I’m afraid years will be behind us and we’ve wasted all this time together, not being together. Does it get any more complicated than that?

I love him so. In the past I would think with a heavy heart of my love for him. Loving him felt like a negative thing. Because I wasn’t getting the full 100% mutual response back. He loves me until, I love him. Then he backs off.

I now look at him and embrace my love in a positive way. That, it will be, one day, it will! Until then, I will stay positive. I will continue to love him.

I am his! If ever the day comes that I could not take care of him, I would break. To touch him, serve him, I live for it. To see him smile because of something I have done, completes me.

Never have I loved, cared and wanted a man so much. I don’t know what it is. I’ve try to stop it. The feelings won’t go away. I’ve asked God to please release me as it feels like I’m stuck in this crazy complicated situation. I’ve tried to move on, physically, move out of his life. But God won’t let me. So here I am, still loving him. Waiting on his love to be returned. It has been painful to say the least. My heart breaks so often. He is not mean. When I look into his eyes I can see the love behind the glass wall of fear, pain and tears. And I’m willing to wait till it breaks. For the short time I have dedicated myself to him, I know there is a lifetime of him wanting to do nothing but please me.

Sometimes God will inconvenience us to help someone else!

Difficulty is not a “Set Back”, but a “Set Up” to launch us in to the place where God wants us.

I have spent a lot of time in prayer lately, I need strength. God has given me peace of mind. Have my troubles vanished? No, but I feel much stronger. I had lost my way, my vision, my purpose. I want to be in His will.

Roots

Most little girls/guys dream of fairy tales, big adventures, careers. Me? I have always dreamed of roots. I just want a place to call my own. A place to go home to. A place that is mine. Every single part of it belongs to me. That’s not to be said I don’t want to share it with anyone. That is optional.

I want to grow roots. Have a place in life that long after I am gone my memory can never be removed. That is what I have been searching for my whole life.  But it seems that just when I get settled in life, the ground collapses beneath me. I feel like I am always preparing to leave. It’s so tiresome. How do I not give up?

 

I Am Noah!

Everyone knows the story of Noah & the Flood. He preached endlessly, built an ark, and God loaded it with animals. I want to skip right to the part where he sent out the raven and the doves. Noah was tired of his situation. He knew and trusted that God had brought him there. Just because he knew the plan, believed and trusted God, did not mean he would not grow tired.

Have you been to a zoo? All open air and each breed secluded to their own areas. Even still the stench! One could only hope that God softened the smell and calmed the animals so their natural-born instincts to attack would be none existent. After all God thinks of everything. But I imagine it was not a sweet-smelling petting zoo at all times on that tiny ark.

Through trial comes reward.

I have often thought with my judgment mind, “if he trusted God why didn’t he just sit there patiently and wait for the door to open when God was ready?” Noah was a modern-day Christian. You know, like me and you. Just because you Love and Trust God, read your Bible and pray everyday does not mean you will not get discouraged. It is the #1 side effect of being a human. We often grow impatient.

So, yeah, Noah grew weary. He wanted to know that the end of this terrible time was near. He did not lose his Faith or Trust in God. He was just plain tired of his situation. And guess what? God did not punish him for questioning! God sealed the door but allowed the window to be opened. God allowed Noah to question when the end was near. Three times Noah grew weary and three times God allowed it. And three times God answered.

Genesis 8:6-12  (NIV)

After forty days Noah opened a window he had made in the ark and sent out a raven, and it kept flying back and forth until the water had dried up from the earth. Then he sent out a dove to see if the water had receded from the surface of the ground. But the dove could find nowhere to perch because there was water over all the surface of the earth; so it returned to Noah in the ark. He reached out his hand and took the dove and brought it back to himself in the ark. 10 He waited seven more days and again sent out the dove from the ark. 11 When the dove returned to him in the evening, there in its beak was a freshly plucked olive leaf! Then Noah knew that the water had receded from the earth. 12 He waited seven more days and sent the dove out again, but this time it did not return to him.

Much like Noah, I have been on this boat for a while now. Not that I now doubt God’s Will nor have I lost Faith. I have just grown weary. I am tired. It has not been a pleasant situation. I knew this when I boarded my ark and watched as God filled it with animals. I know the storm will stop eventually. The deep waters will subside. And all of Earth will be mine.

I have sent forth my Raven. I have sent forth my Dove. And I have released my Dove once again. I am waiting. Wish I could say patiently. It is a struggle. My Faith is still strong, but I am tired. I am still holding to His promise. After all it is all I have left.

Be Quiet & Be Still

The degree of my brokeness varies from day-to-day. Some days I feel strong like I can move forward with lightning speed. Other days, like today, I just want to bury my head in the earth and cry.

I have spent a lot of time in prayer recently. Keeping a prayer on my lips throughout the day has been my saving grace. And until yesterday, I felt that God had not heard my cries. He gave me no answers to the prayers I have been praying. He simply whispered, “be quiet and be still”. 

Do you know how difficult that is? If I’m to move out, shouldn’t I be looking for a place. If my job is to change, shouldn’t I be looking for another job? I’ve often thought, why trouble God with something you can fix? He has so much to do already — like saving lost souls, healing the sick — my silly emotions and simple life choices are just a thorn in his side. Shouldn’t I be able to “FIX” this. It truly is a struggle for me to be still and quiet.

I’m scared. We’re all scared. At this age, you have surely suffered disappointment and moving forward is scary. My biggest fear is that I lose my friend. That my future will not include him. But I must put my faith in God and let His will be done.

 

Faith & Bicycles

Trying to turn my negative, bitter thoughts around. Do you understand how difficult that is? When you are looking impossibility in the face? That is how you build Faith. I know this. Haven’t I mentioned I was raised in the Bible-Belt? Doesn’t make it any easier.

Once Faith is lost, it is a struggle to rebuild. That is why it must be practiced daily. Very much like riding a bicycle. Please know I did not say “as easy as riding a bicycle”. When is the last time you road a bicycle? Me? Hmmmm at least 7 years. Maybe longer. The very thought of having to climb on a bicycle at this very moment, scares the hell out of me. Not that I think I can’t ride it. I’m certain I can. I will wobble the first few hundred feet. May even crash. And once I get going, the fear of stopping safely will set in.

See where I’m going with this……………………

So here’s my daily struggles and how I plan to change Me.

  • I always thought, with a heavy heart, how much I love him and and reasons why we would never work. I now look at him, force my heart and face to smile & then I quietly say how much I love him and leave the rest to God.
  • I have taken the stesses of work home with us. Now, I am learning to leave work at work so we can enjoy one another.
  • I have allowed my imagination to take over my thoughts, creating false ideas about things I don’t know. (ex. his thoughts, I know, a terrible unhealthy thing to do) Now, and this is the hardest stuggle of all, I vow to push aside all my curiousities of what is going on inside his head, what he is thinking when he is not speaking. When he wants to talk, he will and he does.
  • I always assume every single beautiful lady will get his attention and I will lose him. Talk about unhealthy! Now when those thoughts come into my mind I reassure myself, He has chosen YOU. He wants YOU in his life. He knows all your imperfections and STILL he Chooses You.
  • I silently beg for a label for our relationship. Now I just want to enjoy today. This moment with him, for as long as it last. 

Tomorrow, I may crash my bicycle. Cry, of course, but I will get climb back on and ride again.

In the end, I’m not concerned with the future of US. I know if we have a forever future that it will be Blessed by God. I also know if it ends, we Both will still be Blessed by God. In the mean time,  I don’t want to destroy or end what God is doing all because I have lost my Faith.

 

Today I Cried.

A few days ago, I promised myself, NO MORE TEARS. I don’t want to cry anymore. I’m so tired of things weighing me down. If only I could say it and “poof” all things would be perfected or vanish. But, that’s not how life works.

Sadness overwhelms me at times. Nothing clinical, just simple sadness for things I wish for or desire and have not yet come to pass. I try to not fret. But I’m not young. This week I’ll be 45 and I want the last half of my life to be filled with love.

The man I want to share my love with is already present in my life. He knows all my imperfections, faults, failures, weakness, strengths, what makes me happy and sad. He has seen me at my best and my worse. He knows Everything. And I him.

He has a wall so high, to protect himself that I fear I may never tear it down. There have been moments that he let me in. And it was amazing. He felt the fire and it scared him. Me too! To give 100% of yourself to another is scary after you have been broken. But what is Love without risk?

This is the reason for my sadness. I want to be more than just in his arms, I want to be in his heart. For this reason alone is why I must leave. Not because I do not love him. It’s just difficult to be in his presence and not truly be his.

So today, I cried.

 

My King ~ My Love

Southern, Classy Lady. That’s what I like to think I am. Truth is, I’m a foul mouth, hot headed, ginger. Even still, I want my man to be the head of the family. Whether there are children present or not. I’m happy to stand by his side. I know my place, and I believe that is the way God wants it and I’m happy here. This is where I’m the strongest, as is he. If that doesn’t make sense to you, let me explain.

Lions are symbols of strength and courage and have been celebrated throughout history for these characteristics. Lions are aggressive, predictable and dependable. Others always know where they stand with a lion. They are confident and true leaders. A Lion’s job is to protect his territory. In return the male lion gets the benefit of feeding first from the lioness’ kill. 

The Lion cares and protects the pride (family), it’s his nature. One has to wonder, who takes care of the King of the Jungle? The Lioness of course. She has seen his weakness, tears, mended his wounds and shared his pain. She feeds him, nurses him back to health and gives him a soft place to lay his head and his heart. And she NEVER exposes his weakness, tears or pain to those he protects. His strength comes from the Love and Protection he receives from his Lioness.

So you see, I take a great deal of pride in caring for my Lion. If I fail at my job, the entire pride will suffer.