I am writing this with my heart on my sleeve. You have said to me so many times that you weren’t looking to date anyone. You enjoyed being with me. Even though neither of us have even considered a future. But still, it was like we were together.
You see, I had begun to love you, I thought you were someone who I could be happy with. You were my safe place. You knew all my ugliness and still you wanted to be with me. At least I thought you did. I thought you were there for me, but I didn’t see deeper into your eyes. I didn’t see that you didn’t feel the same way. Because your actions reached for me.
I understand now that I am too much for you. I have been pushy. I just wanted you to love me. I wanted you to care. I wanted to be the woman you would look at in a room full of people. I wanted to be the last thing you thought of before you went to bed—the first one you thought of when you opened your eyes. I wanted you to love me the way I love you. I have been deeply, madly and without limitations, in love with you for quite some time. But you didn’t see that. Or you just pretended that you didn’t see.
I have spent many nights crying, thinking of the things that made me sad. And on the other side of our bed, you were sleeping soundly. Every day has been a battle for your love.
The other day I became angry at what I had allowed you to transform me into. I want more. I deserve more. And you cannot provide me that.
I see now that being with me was just convenient for you. It was just a way for you to shake the stress away. In the end, you needed someone who would cook, clean, and keep you company. And that’s what I was for you. Not your soulmate, not your lover, not even your friend. I was just someone who would be there right up until the perfect woman popped up on one of your social feeds or online dating sites. I tend to live in ignorance. I thought you would stick with me. When I had problems or just wanted to talk, you were preoccupied texting other women.
I keep asking myself, “Do I have the right to be sad now that we are no longer together?” Oh wait, being together is not a good word. When I thought that we were together would suit better here. We, well actually you, were never exclusive. I was. I have been loyal to you since the day you asked me to only be with you. I know you like to think we were nothing. But we were. We were something. Feelings were there. Real ones. Maybe you liked me a little, maybe a lot. But I am sure that I love you.
Do I have the right to cry about us even though you were never my boyfriend? The truth is, it doesn’t matter. I will cry anyway. I can’t stop the tears from falling. You were mine. Someone and something of mine that cannot be easily replaced. I just don’t know what I am supposed to do with this love that you have left me with.
I will let it out of me through tears. I will have to let it hurt. Then let it heal. I am going through hell. We shared so many common things, not just physical stuff, even though I miss that, too. God, I miss that! Even though you say it was not, it felt like a real textbook relationship in every aspect.
You had me—my body, heart and soul. Like no one before. My heart is broken and it doesn’t care whether we were labeled as a couple or not. It doesn’t care. It just grieves. And I have the right to grieve, too.