A few days ago, I promised myself, NO MORE TEARS. I don’t want to cry anymore. I’m so tired of things weighing me down. If only I could say it and “poof” all things would be perfected or vanish. But, that’s not how life works.
Sadness overwhelms me at times. Nothing clinical, just simple sadness for things I wish for or desire and have not yet come to pass. I try to not fret. But I’m not young. This week I’ll be 45 and I want the last half of my life to be filled with love.
The man I want to share my love with is already present in my life. He knows all my imperfections, faults, failures, weakness, strengths, what makes me happy and sad. He has seen me at my best and my worse. He knows Everything. And I him.
He has a wall so high, to protect himself that I fear I may never tear it down. There have been moments that he let me in. And it was amazing. He felt the fire and it scared him. Me too! To give 100% of yourself to another is scary after you have been broken. But what is Love without risk?
This is the reason for my sadness. I want to be more than just in his arms, I want to be in his heart. For this reason alone is why I must leave. Not because I do not love him. It’s just difficult to be in his presence and not truly be his.
So today, I cried.