Am I doing it Wrong?

Over the past few months I have observed three couples that I think really have it going on. Here is what I have seen.

Couple #1:     She is lazy, sleeps till midday. Doesn’t cook and her house is scattered, unorganized and loads of laundry (clean or not, I’m not sure) in various places. From what I can see she does nothing to treat him as the King he is. He cleans, cooks, does the laundry and works a full time job. And speaks of her like she is a Queen. Always professing his love for her. Always showing his love for her. And she loves him endlessly.

Couple #2:     She works a lot, probably 60 hours or more a week. She cleans when she can. Their home is always scattered with laundry stacked in odd places. She doesn’t cook. He cheated. She stayed in the marriage. He doesn’t work nor does he clean but will seldom cook or at least hit a drive through for himself. Doesn’t do laundry. Yet he too speaks of her like she is a Queen, always professing his love for her. Always showing his love for her. And she too loves him with all her heart.

Couple #3:     She works a lot, so does he. Neither of them clean nor cook. House is also scattered, dirty laundry is seen more often than clean. She pretends he annoys her, but then you see the love in her eyes when he professes his love for her. He is always showing her how much he loves her.

These three couples have all been married for 22+ years. 121 total between them.

And then there’s me. Married and divorced three times within 23 years. First marriage–3 years, Second marriage–10 years, Third marriage–6 years. I am not looking for marriage at this time in my life. But I want to get it right with the right person.

I’ve often described my days as, “I run quickly in front of him to clear his path of all obstructions. After he has passed I circle back around to clean up any destruction he may have left behind.”

To be more specific and I’m not one for “keeping tabs” or “counting points”, I’m merely saying what I enjoy doing for him. And I do it from my heart because I do want his life to flow smoothly.

Keep his house spotless, wash his clothing, cook his meals, back, feet, body rubs probably 6 nights a week. Late night runs for ice cream, cookies or any other craving. Oh and personal grooming too. And I love doing these things for him. I like to take care of him. It brings me pleasure. I love the smile on his face when I do things for him. He is appreciative of all I do. To see him rest in the evening when he would have otherwise been stressing….Yes that is what I Love to see. Often says he would have a rough go, if it wasn’t for me in his life.

I Have not, nor do I want to care for any other man the way I do him. But after my observation of the previous three couples, I can’t help but wonder. Am I doing something wrong? Should I become lofty (for lack of a better word) in my ways. Say “fuck it” to the house? Let the laundry do itself? Tell him to get his own dinner? Would this bring us to the next level? Does my availability turn him off?

I’ve tried that for a whole 2-3 days. But my pride in a clean home and my love for him won’t allow me to neglect either.

What happens when I move out? I’m scared to sign a one year lease aggrement. The last time we lived separtely, I was always at his house or he was at mine. It’s a waste of money. I’m even more scared that our time will just fade away, end.

I just want him to tell me to not go. To ask me to stay. But he won’t because he thinks this is what I really want, even though he knows I don’t want to go.

God I don’t know what to do about this situation, but I can’t fix it on my own. If you want me to do something, I ask You to show me. Meanwhile, I’m going to trust You and enjoy my life while You work on my problems” ~ Joyce Meyers

And help me to stay out of Your way.

 

 

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Author:

So, this is my life. I am both happy and sad and I am still trying to figure out how that could be.

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