Featured

I Am Noah!

Everyone knows the story of Noah & the Flood. He preached endlessly, built an ark, and God loaded it with animals. I want to skip right to the part where he sent out the raven and the doves. Noah was tired of his situation. He knew and trusted that God had brought him there. Just because he knew the plan, believed and trusted God, did not mean he would not grow tired.

Have you been to a zoo? All open air and each breed secluded to their own areas. Even still the stench! One could only hope that God softened the smell and calmed the animals so their natural-born instincts to attack would be none existent. After all God thinks of everything. But I imagine it was not a sweet-smelling petting zoo at all times on that tiny ark.

Through trial comes reward.

I have often thought with my judgment mind, “if he trusted God why didn’t he just sit there patiently and wait for the door to open when God was ready?” Noah was a modern-day Christian. You know, like me and you. Just because you Love and Trust God, read your Bible and pray everyday does not mean you will not get discouraged. It is the #1 side effect of being a human. We often grow impatient.

So, yeah, Noah grew weary. He wanted to know that the end of this terrible time was near. He did not lose his Faith or Trust in God. He was just plain tired of his situation. And guess what? God did not punish him for questioning! God sealed the door but allowed the window to be opened. God allowed Noah to question when the end was near. Three times Noah grew weary and three times God allowed it. And three times God answered.

Genesis 8:6-12  (NIV)

After forty days Noah opened a window he had made in the ark and sent out a raven, and it kept flying back and forth until the water had dried up from the earth. Then he sent out a dove to see if the water had receded from the surface of the ground. But the dove could find nowhere to perch because there was water over all the surface of the earth; so it returned to Noah in the ark. He reached out his hand and took the dove and brought it back to himself in the ark. 10 He waited seven more days and again sent out the dove from the ark. 11 When the dove returned to him in the evening, there in its beak was a freshly plucked olive leaf! Then Noah knew that the water had receded from the earth. 12 He waited seven more days and sent the dove out again, but this time it did not return to him.

Much like Noah, I have been on this boat for a while now. Not that I now doubt God’s Will nor have I lost Faith. I have just grown weary. I am tired. It has not been a pleasant situation. I knew this when I boarded my ark and watched as God filled it with animals. I know the storm will stop eventually. The deep waters will subside. And all of Earth will be mine.

I have sent forth my Raven. I have sent forth my Dove. And I have released my Dove once again. I am waiting. Wish I could say patiently. It is a struggle. My Faith is still strong, but I am tired. I am still holding to His promise. After all it is all I have left.

Featured

Be Quiet & Be Still

The degree of my brokeness varies from day-to-day. Some days I feel strong like I can move forward with lightning speed. Other days, like today, I just want to bury my head in the earth and cry.

I have spent a lot of time in prayer recently. Keeping a prayer on my lips throughout the day has been my saving grace. And until yesterday, I felt that God had not heard my cries. He gave me no answers to the prayers I have been praying. He simply whispered, “be quiet and be still”. 

Do you know how difficult that is? If I’m to move out, shouldn’t I be looking for a place. If my job is to change, shouldn’t I be looking for another job? I’ve often thought, why trouble God with something you can fix? He has so much to do already — like saving lost souls, healing the sick — my silly emotions and simple life choices are just a thorn in his side. Shouldn’t I be able to “FIX” this. It truly is a struggle for me to be still and quiet.

I’m scared. We’re all scared. At this age, you have surely suffered disappointment and moving forward is scary. My biggest fear is that I lose my friend. That my future will not include him. But I must put my faith in God and let His will be done.

 

Featured

The 1st One doesn’t count, Right?

Married three times, divorced three times….I know it seems I contradicted myself when I said I didn’t know when to say “enough” and move on, but it wasn’t until my third marriage that I figured it out and decided I was tired of forgiving.

During my first marriage I realized I had no fear of death. Not that I wanted to die, but I accepted the fact that I was going to die at the hands of my husband and even welcomed death at times. Never once did I fear for my infant son’s life.  It was me he despised, and I have never understood why. When I realized I had no fear of death I packed our clothes and moved back home with my parents and waited. Waited for my husband to come kill me there. I did not want to be a missing person and I also knew my parents could never find peace if they did not have my body to bury. So I waited there with them. But he never came. Soon I filed and was granted my first divorce.

Time passed and somehow I found life again. Never was I made whole from the mental and physical abuse I had endured. I just learned to live, breath without the fear of punishment for unknown reasons. I accepted the fact that I was “damaged goods”. A single mom, a woman with baggage. So the first man who came along who wanted to marry me, I jumped at the chance. I found a way to love him, appreciate him for taking me and my young son in. But never did I love him the way a woman should love her husband. I tried. We had 2 beautiful boys together and he even adopted my son from the previous marriage. I knew he deserved true love, I just could not give it. I failed.

I know now that my inability to love him is what drove him mad. It caused him to hurt me in unspeakable ways. And again I allowed the unforgiving circle of forgiveness to begin. Never knowing when to say enough was enough. This divorce was prompted by fear. Not for my life but because during one of his desperate moments to keep me, he threatened the life of my sons. I needed to protect them so I left.

Leaving brought me happiness and grief. And peace.

 

Roots

Most little girls/guys dream of fairy tales, big adventures, careers. Me? I have always dreamed of roots. I just want a place to call my own. A place to go home to. A place that is mine. Every single part of it belongs to me. That’s not to be said I don’t want to share it with anyone. That is optional.

I want to grow roots. Have a place in life that long after I am gone my memory can never be removed. That is what I have been searching for my whole life.  But it seems that just when I get settled in life, the ground collapses beneath me. I feel like I am always preparing to leave. It’s so tiresome. How do I not give up?

 

Faith & Bicycles

Trying to turn my negative, bitter thoughts around. Do you understand how difficult that is? When you are looking impossibility in the face? That is how you build Faith. I know this. Haven’t I mentioned I was raised in the Bible-Belt? Doesn’t make it any easier.

Once Faith is lost, it is a struggle to rebuild. That is why it must be practiced daily. Very much like riding a bicycle. Please know I did not say “as easy as riding a bicycle”. When is the last time you road a bicycle? Me? Hmmmm at least 7 years. Maybe longer. The very thought of having to climb on a bicycle at this very moment, scares the hell out of me. Not that I think I can’t ride it. I’m certain I can. I will wobble the first few hundred feet. May even crash. And once I get going, the fear of stopping safely will set in.

See where I’m going with this……………………

So here’s my daily struggles and how I plan to change Me.

  • I always thought, with a heavy heart, how much I love him and and reasons why we would never work. I now look at him, force my heart and face to smile & then I quietly say how much I love him and leave the rest to God.
  • I have taken the stesses of work home with us. Now, I am learning to leave work at work so we can enjoy one another.
  • I have allowed my imagination to take over my thoughts, creating false ideas about things I don’t know. (ex. his thoughts, I know, a terrible unhealthy thing to do) Now, and this is the hardest stuggle of all, I vow to push aside all my curiousities of what is going on inside his head, what he is thinking when he is not speaking. When he wants to talk, he will and he does.
  • I always assume every single beautiful lady will get his attention and I will lose him. Talk about unhealthy! Now when those thoughts come into my mind I reassure myself, He has chosen YOU. He wants YOU in his life. He knows all your imperfections and STILL he Chooses You.
  • I silently beg for a label for our relationship. Now I just want to enjoy today. This moment with him, for as long as it last. 

Tomorrow, I may crash my bicycle. Cry, of course, but I will get climb back on and ride again.

In the end, I’m not concerned with the future of US. I know if we have a forever future that it will be Blessed by God. I also know if it ends, we Both will still be Blessed by God. In the mean time,  I don’t want to destroy or end what God is doing all because I have lost my Faith.

 

Today I Cried.

A few days ago, I promised myself, NO MORE TEARS. I don’t want to cry anymore. I’m so tired of things weighing me down. If only I could say it and “poof” all things would be perfected or vanish. But, that’s not how life works.

Sadness overwhelms me at times. Nothing clinical, just simple sadness for things I wish for or desire and have not yet come to pass. I try to not fret. But I’m not young. This week I’ll be 45 and I want the last half of my life to be filled with love.

The man I want to share my love with is already present in my life. He knows all my imperfections, faults, failures, weakness, strengths, what makes me happy and sad. He has seen me at my best and my worse. He knows Everything. And I him.

He has a wall so high, to protect himself that I fear I may never tear it down. There have been moments that he let me in. And it was amazing. He felt the fire and it scared him. Me too! To give 100% of yourself to another is scary after you have been broken. But what is Love without risk?

This is the reason for my sadness. I want to be more than just in his arms, I want to be in his heart. For this reason alone is why I must leave. Not because I do not love him. It’s just difficult to be in his presence and not truly be his.

So today, I cried.

 

My King ~ My Love

Southern, Classy Lady. That’s what I like to think I am. Truth is, I’m a foul mouth, hot headed, ginger. Even still, I want my man to be the head of the family. Whether there are children present or not. I’m happy to stand by his side. I know my place, and I believe that is the way God wants it and I’m happy here. This is where I’m the strongest, as is he. If that doesn’t make sense to you, let me explain.

Lions are symbols of strength and courage and have been celebrated throughout history for these characteristics. Lions are aggressive, predictable and dependable. Others always know where they stand with a lion. They are confident and true leaders. A Lion’s job is to protect his territory. In return the male lion gets the benefit of feeding first from the lioness’ kill. 

The Lion cares and protects the pride (family), it’s his nature. One has to wonder, who takes care of the King of the Jungle? The Lioness of course. She has seen his weakness, tears, mended his wounds and shared his pain. She feeds him, nurses him back to health and gives him a soft place to lay his head and his heart. And she NEVER exposes his weakness, tears or pain to those he protects. His strength comes from the Love and Protection he receives from his Lioness.

So you see, I take a great deal of pride in caring for my Lion. If I fail at my job, the entire pride will suffer.

 

Am I doing it Wrong?

Over the past few months I have observed three couples that I think really have it going on. Here is what I have seen.

Couple #1:     She is lazy, sleeps till midday. Doesn’t cook and her house is scattered, unorganized and loads of laundry (clean or not, I’m not sure) in various places. From what I can see she does nothing to treat him as the King he is. He cleans, cooks, does the laundry and works a full time job. And speaks of her like she is a Queen. Always professing his love for her. Always showing his love for her. And she loves him endlessly.

Couple #2:     She works a lot, probably 60 hours or more a week. She cleans when she can. Their home is always scattered with laundry stacked in odd places. She doesn’t cook. He cheated. She stayed in the marriage. He doesn’t work nor does he clean but will seldom cook or at least hit a drive through for himself. Doesn’t do laundry. Yet he too speaks of her like she is a Queen, always professing his love for her. Always showing his love for her. And she too loves him with all her heart.

Couple #3:     She works a lot, so does he. Neither of them clean nor cook. House is also scattered, dirty laundry is seen more often than clean. She pretends he annoys her, but then you see the love in her eyes when he professes his love for her. He is always showing her how much he loves her.

These three couples have all been married for 22+ years. 121 total between them.

And then there’s me. Married and divorced three times within 23 years. First marriage–3 years, Second marriage–10 years, Third marriage–6 years. I am not looking for marriage at this time in my life. But I want to get it right with the right person.

I’ve often described my days as, “I run quickly in front of him to clear his path of all obstructions. After he has passed I circle back around to clean up any destruction he may have left behind.”

To be more specific and I’m not one for “keeping tabs” or “counting points”, I’m merely saying what I enjoy doing for him. And I do it from my heart because I do want his life to flow smoothly.

Keep his house spotless, wash his clothing, cook his meals, back, feet, body rubs probably 6 nights a week. Late night runs for ice cream, cookies or any other craving. Oh and personal grooming too. And I love doing these things for him. I like to take care of him. It brings me pleasure. I love the smile on his face when I do things for him. He is appreciative of all I do. To see him rest in the evening when he would have otherwise been stressing….Yes that is what I Love to see. Often says he would have a rough go, if it wasn’t for me in his life.

I Have not, nor do I want to care for any other man the way I do him. But after my observation of the previous three couples, I can’t help but wonder. Am I doing something wrong? Should I become lofty (for lack of a better word) in my ways. Say “fuck it” to the house? Let the laundry do itself? Tell him to get his own dinner? Would this bring us to the next level? Does my availability turn him off?

I’ve tried that for a whole 2-3 days. But my pride in a clean home and my love for him won’t allow me to neglect either.

What happens when I move out? I’m scared to sign a one year lease aggrement. The last time we lived separtely, I was always at his house or he was at mine. It’s a waste of money. I’m even more scared that our time will just fade away, end.

I just want him to tell me to not go. To ask me to stay. But he won’t because he thinks this is what I really want, even though he knows I don’t want to go.

God I don’t know what to do about this situation, but I can’t fix it on my own. If you want me to do something, I ask You to show me. Meanwhile, I’m going to trust You and enjoy my life while You work on my problems” ~ Joyce Meyers

And help me to stay out of Your way.

 

 

My Last Sexual Fantasy

He asked me what my sexual fantasy was.  I said the only thing left for me to do is much too difficult for anyone. He felt challenged I’m sure. He gave me that smile that melts my heart and ask “What?” I surprised myself with how easily the words came. ” I want to make love. I want to feel love. That is the only thing I am lacking to fulfill all my sexual fantasies.”

He was moved, I saw it in his eyes. He wants the same thing. I saw the love, and then I saw the moment he put up the wall the one that protects his heart.

Since that conversation our sex life changed. We went from five or six times a week to twice a month and now it has been over 1 month. However I must admit, twice he tried and it broke my heart but I said no because I want more.

He makes me feel amazing. But the next day when he assures me that we’re not in a relationship it makes me feel horrible. I long for his touch, not lust, I want Love.

When I caress Him

No doubt he loves my touch. Our nights are always spent with me giving him a gentle or  intense massage (depends on his day), lightly scratching his back, or simply caressing his body. He doesn’t know this but as I touch him I am always quietly praying for him. I pray for his inner peace.

Last night, as I softly caressed his body, I decied to not pray but to think about each part of him I was touching. I wanted to identify what I thought of him and why.

This is what I saw…………

Hands ~ They are eager to help anyone. Would never even harm an angry animal. Has never been lifted in anger against a woman. Can hold a troubled heart gently. Hard working, always giving 100% at any task.

Arms ~ Always open. Big enough to hold close everyone in his life. Strong enough to protect from the wildest enemy. 

Feet ~ Scared, confused, lost. They have traveled one road for so long, they find it difficult to make a new path even though the one they now travel has come to a dead end.

Eyes ~ So full of hurt and pain. Cannot see the future because the past is blocking their view. 

Lips ~ How can I look at them without touching or kissing them? Soft, inviting. Often when they part vial words spew forth like daggers. And then there are moments when his heart softens, his words are like warm honey. 

Head/Brain~He is so damn smart. He could conquer the world. Not a single niave cell circulating in his brain. He is very much aware of his world and all that surrounds him. And that is why there are issues with his Heart.

Heart~Broken, shattered! Yet it is filled with love that he wants to give, but he’s scared. Compassionate, yet guarded against everyone, for fear of being taken advantage of. Longs to be free of its past, but scared of the future.

His hands, arms, feet, eyes, head and heart, Oh how I love to touch them, kiss them, to gaze upon them. Not just them but every part of his body.

My prayer is that one day, his heart will heal and he will be able move forward into the Happiness that he so well deserves.

I love him so and I wish he could see what I see in him.

Question…..

It is hard for me to understand that I am where God wants me but my life feels like hell. I know he brought me here. I had choices. But this is where I felt 100% to go. So I came. But nothing is going the way I imagined.